Celine Dion captured it so well in her lyrics, “Goodbye is the saddest word I will ever hear ... Goodbye is the last time I will hold you near.” How do you say goodbye to someone that you love? How do you say goodbye to someone who is the root...
Hurting Me with Words
There is a difference between being emotionally reactive and responsive. Most people seem to react hastily when triggered, hence being emotionally reactive, especially when angered. I have seen many of my clients problematise anger. Cummins (2003) describes anger as an emotional response to invalidations. Considering that encountering invalidations is an...
Hostilely Hanging On
Reflectively, I tend to see a bit of myself in most of my clients. Hostility, involves forcefully wanting to validate invalidated evidence (Kelly, 1955). Shamefully, I hung on to a man who no longer wanted me for seven years. In my state of hostility, I convinced myself that he would...
Why did you do this to me and us?
Many of us know the pain of being cheated on. The pain appears to be a lot more for people who had mostly perceived their partners/spouses in a positive light and put them on a pedestal. The incompatibilities presented by the person who cheated might lead to you questioning how...
Expecting Too Much
Sometimes in a relationship, we expect what someone cannot or will not give us. You cannot expect something that your partner/spouse cannot give you because it means what you are expecting is not what they are capable of providing. In contrast, the phrase "will not" demonstrates an unwillingness to meet one's expectations. Many times,...
Forcing Things
Doster's (1985) cycle of abuse Although some couples are not abusive towards each other, they seem to engage in a vicious cycle of toxicity in which they force things to be the way they want them to be. In Heightened tension, there is an escalation of irresolvable problems which leads to...
Abantu Bazothini
Abantu bazothini is an isiZulu phrase meaning what will people say. Although I am a Clinical Psychologist with years of experience, I learn a lot from my clients. One of the profound statements I heard in therapy was a client of mine saying, "I will no longer shrink myself." How...
Seeing My Mistakes
Reflexivity involves intentionality and may sometimes induce a sense of discomfort. I am finding myself being reflexive in my 40s. One part of my life I sometimes reflect on is my marriage in my 20s. Perhaps I got married when I was still young, impulsive, and my way of looking...
Embracing the Child Self
I sometimes invite my clients to write a characterisation sketch of themselves. I am interested to know who they see when they look at the child self. Of course, people will attach different meanings to their child selves based on their unique childhood experiences. The way one perceives their child...
Am I Beautiful?
Many of us struggle to see ourselves as beautiful and tell ourselves, "I am beautiful as I am". We are unable to appreciate the way we look with our flaws and imperfections. We therefore strive to achieve the so-called perfect beauty, which often involves concealing or changing parts of our...