Reflexivity involves intentionality and may sometimes induce a sense of discomfort. I am finding myself being reflexive in my 40s. One part of my life I sometimes reflect on is my marriage in my 20s. Perhaps I got married when I was still young, impulsive, and my way of looking at things was maybe preemptive (that is, one-sided in Kelly’s (1955) sense). Over time, when one encounters different experiences, their construct system (mindset) might change. My construct system has definitely changed. Reflectively, I realised how easy it was for me to talk about how my ex-husband hurt me, but I never spoke about how I hurt him. One part that has stayed with me was when he said, “Everything about me is wrong, from head to toe, you don’t see anything right.” It is essential to communicate our issues when we are emotionally sober to avoid generalising. My generalisation probably led him to feel angry, emasculated, hopeless, and defeated. I encourage you to pause, regulate your emotions, and be clear when you are constructively communicating the specific areas you have issues with. Remember, one person might initiate intimate/marital conflict, but another person might perpetuate the problems.
