Forcing Things

Although some couples are not abusive towards each other, they seem to engage in a vicious cycle of toxicity in which they force things to be the way they want them to be. In Heightened tension, there is an escalation of irresolvable problems which leads to the Eruption of hostility and violence. Hostility is when one wants to obtain validation of his/her views (Kelly, 1955). Eruption of hostility and violence may become messy, especially when couples forcefully impose their positions on each other, employ subtle or extreme manipulative tactics, use verbal aggression (e.g., calling each other names) and physical violence, or threats of violence. There is an increasing unwillingness to listen to each other. The mistake that couples make is plunging into the Reconciliation phase, in which they draw on constructions that attracted them to each other, without a clear pathway that they followed to reconcile. Most couples do not talk about the impact of their hostile eruptions. They sugar-coat, downplay, and avoid talking about the painful lived experience in phase 2. Just because you and your partner are avoiding issues, does not mean that the individuals in the relationship are not revisiting and constantly replaying in their minds what transpired. This might brew anger, which leads the couple to Return to everyday roles, in which they annoy, irritate, or anger each other. It is important that couples know how to listen to each other, negotiate, and compromise. Instead, we seem to be so preoccupied with occupying the winning pole in Ugazio’s (2013) winning-losing polarity, to the extent that we want to win arguments at the detriment of our relationship.