Many of us know the pain of being cheated on. The pain appears to be a lot more for people who had mostly perceived their partners/spouses in a positive light and put them on a pedestal. The incompatibilities presented by the person who cheated might lead to you questioning how a man/woman who claimed that they love you and whom you love could be capable of hurting you so much. Kelly (1955) defines anxiety, as when one’s world no longer makes sense, and anger as an invalidation of meanings. Therefore, your partner/spouse will induce immense anxiety and anger. You will find yourself slot-rattling (switching poles) from trusting to distrustful and from a respectful to a disrespectful person. I have seen that some people slot-rattle to a self I refer to as an investigator self, who is constantly searching for new evidence of infidelity. Cheating makes you lose a part of yourself, in which you slot-rattle into a person you are not. This slot-rattling process also escalates anger in which you see your partner/spouse as having changed you into someone you no longer know. While some people may choose to leave, other people may stay and work at repairing the relationship. However, some people may choose to stay and commit what I call spiteful cheating, in which I do to you what you did to me. The goal is to induce the same/similar pain that the partner/spouse caused you. The spiteful cheating self indicates the deep erosion of the values and meanings of the intimate/marital relationship. Whether you seek healing through individual or couple/marital therapy, there are many layers to unpack in therapy. Although some people rush to apologise for their act and do things to show their remorse, they do not ask the fundamental question:
“How has the cheating affected you, your perception of yourself, me, and us?”
